Why is it that I am long out of junior high, but still feel some of the same insecurities that I felt at age 13? I thought someday they would disappear, go the way of the dinosaur and forever leave the landscape of my mind and heart. Such is not the case.
So if they refuse to fade into the darkness, I thought maybe I’d just bring them into the light of day. Perhaps just bringing them into the clear light of day will make them run for the hills. If not, at the very least, they won’t be able to have the same grip they’ve had in the past.
Truth be told, I really doubt any of these will be a surprise.
I expect that people won’t like me.
Seriously, I clearly remember 3rd grade at private school wearing the homemade jumper and standing outside the classroom door chanting “nobody like me, everybody hates, guess I’ll kill myself.” I wasn’t serious. I didn’t even know how to kill myself without pain. But it was all because I thought a very special boy didn’t like me. He was nice and cute (that’s about all I needed in those days). Here’s the shocker… 30 years later on Facebook we reconnected and he told me he had a MAJOR CRUSH ON ME! Seriously?!? There are no words. I need to get over this one… the insecurity (not the boy).
I am a people pleaser.
Yep. I don’t like to stir the pot, start conflict, or raise red flags. I’m a teachers pet and an A student. I’ve always gone out of my way to do whatever it takes to make sure I can fly under the radar and not get noticed. This is an awful way to live. I’ve overcome some of it, but my first instinct is to not want to make a fuss. The good news is that usually my rabble-rouser husband is more than happy to convince me to take bigger leaps than I ever believed possible in my life. This quote from Rosa Parks is a perfect descriptor:
I have always been a timid person but my life has required me to be courageous. – Rosa Parks
I am afraid of success.
People often talk about fear of failure, which I have had at certain times in my life. But a more overriding insecurity is a fear of success. I think it’s tied to my previous issue about wanting to please people. I know that with success comes haters and I hate haters, trolls, and mean people. I’m impossibly thin-skinned and personally think it’s part of who I am. I think it’s okay and even good to be sensitive to the thoughts, feelings and needs of others. However, that makes it difficult to want to become too successful for fear of igniting the haters to come after me.
I have a distorted sense of how I look.
It stems back to middle school and my eating disorder that I struggled with for ten years. Maybe even before that with my frizzy out of control hair and young undeveloped body. I wasn’t going to turn any heads back then, unless they were recruiting for “What Not To Wear.” All of those experiences created a sense of self-consciousness and insecurity that still has a grip on me… albeit more loosely (thankfully). Some people think it’s ironic that I started a company focused on raising the self esteem and confidence of teen girls. I think it’s incredibly predictable since our greatest work often comes out of our greatest pain. I’ll get there someday… maybe this is the year it’ll happen.
Enough about me.