awkward | LIVE INSANELY GREAT

Okay, even the title is kind of awkward, but I don’t care. It’s true!

Here’s my story.

Growing up I didn’t think much about modesty. I went to church and loved God (more than anything), and I dressed modestly. But it wasn’t a conscious decision. I wore the clothes I was given: hand-me-downs from my older brother, outfits from the church share closet, and garage sale bargains. That’s what I wore.

Then I hit junior high. I was still thin as a rail, wearing little girl clothes as a teenager. I tried to piece things together, but this was before thrifty fashion was in style and most of the time I probably just looked like a vagabond who needed help.

Then it all changed.

I got my first job in 8th grade. I was working at the mall at a leather accessory kiosk. It was divine. I got paid in cash every week (I didn’t know what “under the table” meant or that it was illegal). All my money went toward “fashion.” My first purchase was a pair of white cowboy boots with silver studs. I’d been eyeing those boots for months and felt such a rush when I finally purchased them. That was just the beginning.

Back to the topic: you have to understand that the cheapest clothes are frequently the most immodest clothes. I was on a limited budget and bought all my own clothes. So I shopped in the teen stores, where I could get ten items for $50. Short skirts, tube tops, belly revealing tops, leggings and more. That’s what I could buy so that’s what I wore. I didn’t think about modesty because I was so skinny there wasn’t really anything to show off (I was a little naive too.)

Fast forward to college and I was still wearing the same style because I was still on a budget. That style didn’t send the right message or attract the right friends (or boyfriends). Even though my heart was right, my clothes were saying something different.

If I’d only known.

Fast forward to today… I’m a wife and mother and mentor to teen girls. I see what the stores are selling, what images movies are projecting, and the message that every girl and woman sees every time she turns around. Be sexy. Strut your stuff. Be loud and proud. Show your skin.

What happens is that we start believing how we look is who we are and where our value lies… our body, our skin, our shape. Nothing could be further from the truth.

It pains me to see so many wives and mothers thinking they have to look sexy in lingerie and get a boudoir photo shoot done to show off their stuff. Our grandmothers and mothers weren’t expected to have their scantily clad bodies displayed for all to see. Not saying they had it made, they had their own issues of the day to deal with. But seriously, why are we adding this pressure to women in their 30s and 40s (and beyond) to think that they have to look like Jillian Michaels in the gym and a Victoria’s Secret model in the bedroom… and display it all online for everyone to see.

I think modesty should be the new sexy.
I think women should be celebrated and valued for their character not their cleavage.
I think girls should be listened to and heard for their dreams, not their derrieres.

But who am I?

Just another awkward girl living in an “I’m so hot” world.

awkward glasses teen girl image The Awkward Series: Modest is Hottest

WHO ARE YOU? WHAT’S YOUR STORY?

Why is it that I am long out of junior high, but still feel some of the same insecurities that I felt at age 13? I thought someday they would disappear, go the way of the dinosaur and forever leave the landscape of my mind and heart. Such is not the case.

So if they refuse to fade into the darkness, I thought maybe I’d just bring them into the light of day. Perhaps just bringing them into the clear light of day will make them run for the hills. If not, at the very least, they won’t be able to have the same grip they’ve had in the past.

Truth be told, I really doubt any of these will be a surprise.

teen identity portrait image awkward The Awkward Series: Insecurities that Refuse to Die

I expect that people won’t like me.
Seriously, I clearly remember 3rd grade at private school wearing the homemade jumper and standing outside the classroom door chanting “nobody like me, everybody hates, guess I’ll kill myself.” I wasn’t serious. I didn’t even know how to kill myself without pain. But it was all because I thought a very special boy didn’t like me. He was nice and cute (that’s about all I needed in those days). Here’s the shocker… 30 years later on Facebook we reconnected and he told me he had a MAJOR CRUSH ON ME! Seriously?!? There are no words. I need to get over this one… the insecurity (not the boy).

I am a people pleaser.
Yep. I don’t like to stir the pot, start conflict, or raise red flags. I’m a teachers pet and an A student. I’ve always gone out of my way to do whatever it takes to make sure I can fly under the radar and not get noticed. This is an awful way to live. I’ve overcome some of it, but my first instinct is to not want to make a fuss. The good news is that usually my rabble-rouser husband is more than happy to convince me to take bigger leaps than I ever believed possible in my life. This quote from Rosa Parks is a perfect descriptor:

I have always been a timid person but my life has required me to be courageous. – Rosa Parks

I am afraid of success.
People often talk about fear of failure, which I have had at certain times in my life. But a more overriding insecurity is a fear of success. I think it’s tied to my previous issue about wanting to please people. I know that with success comes haters and I hate haters, trolls, and mean people. I’m impossibly thin-skinned and personally think it’s part of who I am. I think it’s okay and even good to be sensitive to the thoughts, feelings and needs of others. However, that makes it difficult to want to become too successful for fear of igniting the haters to come after me.

I have a distorted sense of how I look.
It stems back to middle school and my eating disorder that I struggled with for ten years. Maybe even before that with my frizzy out of control hair and young undeveloped body. I wasn’t going to turn any heads back then, unless they were recruiting for “What Not To Wear.” All of those experiences created a sense of self-consciousness and insecurity that still has a grip on me… albeit more loosely (thankfully). Some people think it’s ironic that I started a company focused on raising the self esteem and confidence of teen girls. I think it’s incredibly predictable since our greatest work often comes out of our greatest pain. I’ll get there someday… maybe this is the year it’ll happen.

Enough about me.

Archives For awkward

The Awkward Series: Modest is Hottest

Here’s my story.

Then it all changed.

If I’d only known.

But who am I?

WHO ARE YOU? WHAT’S YOUR STORY?

The Awkward Series: Insecurities that Refuse to Die

What about you? What are your insecurities and struggles?

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